Wild and Crazy Politics

The Green Party in Germany has some really interesting ideas. In the past year, they have proposed the following:

no one is allowed to make more than one trip by aircraft every five years
all men must be inside by 10:00 p.m., to make the streets safe for women
the gas price should be tripled

Don't you wish that we had a Green Party? Actually, I think we do, but they never seem to win any seats. Maybe their ideas are different from the German Green Party, adapted for North American sensibilities, and thus too drab and boring to attract serious attention. But think about this: Joschka Fisher, the leader of the Green Party, has just quit smoking, changed his diet, and now jogs six miles a day. I think that's the kind of guy I would like to have as a leader. Lots of self-discipline and self-control.

I really think we could learn from the Green Party of Germany. We need to have more imagination. We need to think of more different things that we haven't tried before. Like, instead of one leader for as long as the party stays elected, why don't we rotate the leadership among five or six colorful individuals? Do you think we'd ever have a black or a woman as prime-minister or president otherwise? Not a chance. Well, wait, we did have a woman prime-minister-- Kim Campbell-- for about six months. Maybe we're crazier than I give us credit for.

But how about these for some imaginative new ideas for the next election:

let's all drive on the left side of the road for a year or two. Why? I don't know. Just to see how we like it. For one thing, we're missing all the scenery on the left side. This would give us a year to see it. Then we could go back to normal.
ban bicycles and pedestrians from our downtowns. Let's let cars use the sidewalks and bicycle paths and see if it improves the traffic flow. Let's make a rule that you can only drive on the sidewalk if the road is really busy, otherwise pretty soon the sidewalks will be crowded too. This goes for parks too-- what are we saving the grass for anyway? The dogs and geese? And so what if it gets muddy: at least the SUV owner's will finally have a reason for that four-wheel-drive, if they actually know how to engage it.
. Did you know that once they make a law, it never goes away by itself? It practically never goes away at all: they just keep amending and adding provisions and stuff. This worked fine when countries only lasted a hundred years or so, but we've been around a long time and we still have all those laws from ages ago, plus all the new ones they've added since them. So none of us really understands the law anymore. Let's get rid of all the laws and start over. On a chosen Friday, we will announce that all of the laws are cancelled. Then we'll take a whole weekend and write up new ones. And no lawyers will be allowed to take part, so everyone can understand the rules. No more "whereas" and "notwithstanding" or any of that crap. Let's just clear them all out, burn the law books, and then sit down and make up the new laws that we really need. I'll bet we only need about five. No stealing. No killing. No cheating. No lying. If you make a mess, you have to clean it up yourself.
ban polkas. This would be great. All the polka-lovers would be out there demonstrating, marching with their tubas and accordions. Then we could look real stern and say "maybe". After a year or two, we could pretend to give in and allow some polkas. Why? Because I think our society would safer with people demonstrating for polka music than with people demonstrating for more grunge or punk rock, or, heaven forbid, guns, or abortions, or stuff like that.
no chief executive can earn more than ten times what the lowest-paid employee earns. Do you really think that any chief executive is worth more than ten times what you're worth? Well, what exactly are you worth?
declare a statute of limitations on all crimes, injustices, wars, and sexual harassment. A woman recently sued her cousin for sexual harassment that occurred 45 years ago. The native peoples keep asking for money for treaties we broke hundreds of years ago. Japanese-Canadians didn't get compensated fairly for having their property comfiscated and being moved into camps during World War II. And women keep complaining that in the times of the Romans they were treated like property. Fine. We acknowledge your status as victims. But if we go back far enough, even the Dutch have a few gripes. It's getting too complicated to figure it all out. If everybody has a gripe, then we're all even. Let's promise not to do it again and get on with our lives. My statutes of limitations:
broken treaties - 50 years
murder - 25 years
assault - 15 years
robbery - 10 years
harassment - 7 years
pay equity - 5 years
polluting the environment: for as long as the effects of the pollution are detectable. If the corporation responsible is defunct, the shareholders are responsible. If they are dead, their descendents are liable. Hey-- if the descendents of writers and musicians can collect royalties on their works, then the descendents of shareholders can pay for the cost of cleaning up their messes.

September 14, 1998