Greatest Hits

I buy a lot of CDs and I used to buy a lot of LP's.  I normally avoid "Greatest Hits" type albums, because you are not often getting a collection of the best songs by an artist; merely his most popular songs.

Gordon Lightfoot made a career by not issuing any albums whatsoever except for Greatest Hits Collections. It's true. His first album, released in 1966, was called "Gord's Greatest Hits".  Nobody knew who Gord was.  He had no previous recordings of original material.  But since he had a greatest hits album, and went by his first name, we all figured he must be important and we added him to the collection.

His next album was "Best of Gordon Lightfoot", which was a collection of songs that were well-known for being on his "Greatest Hits" album.   You had to have it.  All of the songs sounded familiar, but then, after all, it was the same artist. Almost nobody noticed that it was exactly the same collection as the first album, because, after more than 30 seconds of any Gordon Lightfoot song, most listeners fall fast asleep.

Lightfoot's third album was, "Solid Gold: Volume I".   These were songs that had become pretty popular because they were on his first Greatest Hits Album, but also included a few songs from the "Best of" album, for variety.

"Best Golden Treasures - Gordon Lightfoot's All-time Greatest Hits" was released three weeks later. By this time, the scam was going so well, that there wasn't even a vinyl album inside the cover-- just a slip of paper saying that most of the songs would be available on the boxed set due to be released at Christmas, right after "Solid Gold: Volume II".  Gord's career was going so well that nobody actually bought the album for the music;  just for the cool picture of Gord holding his 12-string and gazing lustfully at Sylvia Tyson on the album cover displayed next to his on the record rack. 

One year later, Gord issued "All Time Greatest and Bestest Most Treasured Hits Played Live With Previously Unheard Studio Cuts From His Early Albums".  That took a little nerve: I mean, how did Gord know that nobody was actually listening to any of his earlier albums and that, therefore, many of those records were previously "unheard"?  But at least, this release contained some new material, consisting mostly of fake applause and assorted funky voices shouting "huh",  "get down", "go for it, Gord", and "hey, isn't that Buffy Ste. Marie?". Anyway, to make a long story short, with the assistance of my nubile intern/assistant Ms. Fricker, I was able to uncover the following facts: 

1. Gordon Lightfoot issued 37 Greatests Hits Collections between the years 1966 and 1973. 

2. During this period, he actually recorded 3 different songs.

3. Most of Lightfoot's Greatest Hits albums consist of these same 3 songs arranged in different order and dubbed at different speeds, or, sometimes, backwards, or with fake audience sounds. In at least one case, a John Denver recording, "Leaving on a Jet Plane", was inserted by mistake.  Denver sued, but a jury awarded Lightfoot $6.3 after his attorney convinced them that some people in the future might see John Denver perform the song in public and think they were watching Gordon Lightfoot.

4. A careful study of archival video tapes and films reveals that Gord's live performances also featured the same three songs performed over and over again, in different order, and, sometimes backwards, or a capella. At no time does the audience appear to have noticed the deception. Lightfoot is occasionally seen leaving the stage for a smoke as the music continues to the accompaniement of a metranome.

5. Desperate for a hit in the late 1970's, after having exhausted all possible titles, including "Greatest", "Treasures", "Live", "Best of", "Classic", "Golden", "Big Hits", "Big Big Hits", "Classic Gold", "Classic Treasures", etc., and every other possible permutation, Lightfoot wrote a new song about a ship that sank, called "The Wreck of the Titanic". However, after he discovered that James Cameron had copyrighted the word "Titanic",  and also that he was two syllables short, so he located a ship with a long name and paid members of Greenpeace to sink it during a storm in Lake Superior. 

I would be ever so grateful if anybody reading this has a copy of the Ian and Sylvia album from the 1960's in which Sylvia shows the best  cleavage of any folk singer in the history of tragic Mary Hamiltons. Please let me know, and, if you could, send me a scan of the cover. 

© Copyright 1998 Bill Van Dyk