Fantasy

A Mid-Winter Night's Fantasy...

Congressmen Henry Hyde, James Rogan, Bob Barr-- without his white robes-- William McCollum, Lindsey Graham, and Asa Hutchinson, held an emergency meeting in Washington last night. Ex-Majority Leader Gingrich hosted the meeting, serving his wife's muffins and coffee.

They decided to seek Democrat support to draft legislation authorizing U.S. ground troops to land in war-torn Sierra Leone, restore civil order, and pave the way for the Red Cross and other aid agencies to enter the area and establish emergency medical teams and facilities. They have also drafted a proposition for U.N. forces to occupy Freetown and protect the civilian population from the rebel army attempting to over-throw the government. "Two thousand people have died so far," said Newt. "Life is sacred. It's too important for us to stand by and do nothing. As the world's last remaining superpower, it's up to us to lead these efforts. Innocent children and women, and the elderly, must be protected from wanton destruction." Newt added that he was especially angered by reports that rebels were hacking off hands and feet of civilians suspected of supporting the government, as a warning to others. "This is an outrage. As Christians, we cannot stand by idly and allow evil to triumph unopposed." Asa Hutchinson and Lindsay Graham nodded agreement.

What about the impeachment, asked reporters. "To hell with impeachment," said Graham. "I mean, to heck with impeachment. I think the Lord will forgive us for putting life and death issues ahead of partisan politics for a few months." Dan Burton and reporter Sam Donaldson, standing nearby, enthusiastically agreed. "I'm flying over there right now," said Donaldson. "ABC news is giving top priority to this important story. We know that our viewers are concerned when human lives are endangered. Especially, when it involves colored folk in distant continents." Burton added, "Hell, the President's only human. Nobody's perfect. The people want us to get back to governing this country, and by golly, that's what we're going to do."

Dan Rather, already enroute to Freetown, was unavailable for comment. CNN staffers were busy packing up their microphones and collagen capsules and heading out to the airport.

In a stunning development, Kenneth Starr himself has resigned from the position of Independent Prosecutor and assumed a new position as executive director of "Dweebs for Humanity", an organization of sexually prudent former prosecutors who have dedicated their lives to helping the disadvantaged around the globe. "Michael Jordan has agreed to donate an old pair of running shoes, and Bill Gates has pledged more than .0007% of his income for March 21st," Starr announced at a press conference attended by over a hundred reporters held on the White House lawn, and co-hosted by the President and Hillary Clinton. "I am so ashamed of how we copped out of Rwanda," said the President. "If there's anything I should be impeached for, it's my refusal to provide the transport planes necessary for the United Nations to have remained in that nation to prevent the slaughter of thousands of people. This time, we will not stand by and watch." Lucianne Goldberg head her hands aloft. "I'll donate a book," she shouted.

Colin Powell, a possible Republican Presidential Candidate in 2000, has volunteered to coordinate the U.S. effort. "It's time to put partisanship aside," he declared, standing side-by-side with Al and Tipper Gore, and Senator Ted Kennedy. James Dobson then led the group in prayer, before turning over the mortgage on his $180 million office building in Denver, Colorado. "I have always stood for family values," he intoned. "but I am less worried about a homosexual somewhere keeping his job or joining the army, than I am about children witnessing violence in the streets." He plans to lay off 500 of his 1300 employees and devote the savings to relief work in Columbia.

Pat Robertson announced that he was holding a telethon on his television network. If donations from viewers reached a total of $25 million dollars, he would get on his hands and knees and kiss Bill Clinton's bare ass in front of television cameras.

Ted Turner immediately pledged $50 million.

January 26 , 1999